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Dog.
"I swear that dog would have had him" I was at my friend’s house and we were all out back getting drunk in the hot tub. The music inside was blasting so we could hear it outside and over the drone of the tub jets. One friend, he weighs in at about 155 max, had to piss, real urgent like. He went into the house and thought he’d save time by taking his swimsuit off as he’s on his way to the bathroom. He stumbles when his foot hooks the suit trying to pull it off and he falls flat onto the carpet, real drunk and face down. Meanwhile, the guy whose house it is has this big Labrador. The dog weighs about 140 pounds, a big sucker. It’s a male and it’s in heat. It seems when the guy went down, the dog decided it looked like something good to hump. So the dog’s on him of him, doggy style you know, and it’s trying to get a mount. My friend is totally pinned by the weight of the dog. He can’t get his legs up because his feet are stuck in the suit and the dog is too heavy. I’m not sure how far along that dog got but after a while a couple of us went in to check what’s up and he’s in there screaming the top of his lungs in a muffled terror, being drowned out by the music and the weight of the dog on his back. The owner yells at the dog and the dog gets off. My buddy’s arms are hacked up from the dog’s claws. I swear, if somebody hadn’t come in, that dog would have raped him. I never laughed so hard in my life. Even after the dog got off though, he could barely get up because he was just so drunk and drained of strength. My friend is now nicknamed “Samson”. Get it? The Dog’s name is Sam. Sam’s son, as in “who’s your Daddy!” Yipe Yipe. That’s not why I don’t like dogs. It’s because when I was growing up, this little yapping mini-dog lived in the house behind us and whenever our ball went over the fence, we had to deal with this little ankle biting terror. And it would yelp and yelp like someone was twisting it’s nuts off when all I was doing was looking for the ball. The lady that lived there would always come out in this nightgown that looked like she never washed it and she’d start in with the baby talk. Issssss thaaaaahhht mmeeeennn booooooy scaaaaaaring my little poo pooohhh. Cummmmerrrre little pooo puu. Then she’d just shot me a scowl and I’d high tail it out of there. One time, the damn dog ended up in my yard, I don’t know how. So I went and got a pillow case and we cornered the thing and got it inside the pillow case. You should have heard the terror that thing rang through the neighborhood. Blood curdling yelps and in the meantime, it’s biting the shit out of me through the pillow case. I wanted to slam it down on the ground a few times to settle it down, but here comes the old night gown lady and she’s a trucking our way. We were already right up at the fence and it didn’t look good for us. It looked like we were stealing her dog. Uh oh. Before she says anything, I start explaing, “We were helping him back into your hard for you!” I don’t remember what happened after that, I just remember explaining to that old wrinkled face and spilling the dog out over the fence onto her property. I love him so MUCH! Anyway, that’s not why I don’t like dogs. The real reason is this girl I liked told me she couldn’t spend time with me because she wanted to hang out with her dog. Beat out by a damn dog! And then she said, “I just LUVVV him so mUCCCHH!”. I wanted to be the one she loved so much. I hope her and the dog are happy. Just what IS up with woman and their dogs? She says, "Dogs are people too you know". Yeah? Not the good people. It's not a reward to get reincarnated as a dog, I say. Someone pointed out that I can’t blame all dogs for the actions of one dog. They are right, so dogs get a second chance. Two rules. No little ankle biting yipe yipe dogs and no talking baby talk to the dog. Cats. Don’t you like cats? We were cat people at my house. I don't care what they say, you are in one camp or the other. What's it gonna be, cats or dog? Don't give me that, "I like both". I'll buy that you don't like either, but no liking both. Because if you throw a stick, and the dog will go get it. The cat will just look at you, and you can feel him thinking, “What, you think I’m a moron? Your private little stick fetcher? Puhleeeeaazze. Yawn.” Smart cat. Besides, you can't play cat-ball with a dog. You know, like soccer. But with a cat! It's OK, I can tell you first hand that they always land on their feet and the game gets progressively harder to play. I'm kidding. Sort of. Did I tell about the time my long haired feline friend was shedding all over my room. So I have her a haircut. With scissors. Ooops! I swear my dear cat though she was being punished and walked with her head down for weeks! It was actually EMBARRASSED. We made friends again though. A little forced pot smoke in the face will many ANYBODY your friend. Purrrrrr. Just in time for KITTY SPINS! Hey, where'd that cat go. |