First Internet date.

This girl looks cute, large chest, and has advanced degrees.  How interesting.

So we meet at the bar part of a restaurant, and the first thing I notice is she's a little heavier than in her pics.  Maybe by 50 pounds or so.  At least 20 pounds of that extra heft is up top too, giving her the shape of a big black female gospel singer, only she's white and blonde.  Nothing wrong with big black gospel singers mind you, just not my preference.

OK, I can deal with that, I can still have fun.  By the end of the night, she's getting really weird and she's like flirting with this foreign man in his 60's whose like the night janitor and he doesn't speak a lot of English. 

He's sitting there with his wife, who looks like the most disgusting thing dressed in literally, rags, and she's got moles all over her face and kind of cowering like a dog that gets kicked a lot.  I'm trying to figure out what my "date" is trying to pull.  She's just kind of doing this drunk babble and rant, I can hardly understand her, he for sure doesn't, he's just staring at her breasts, and the wife is just motionless and blank.  Finally I interrupt and say what the fuck, and she says for me to go wait outside, motioning me with her hand. 

I grab her by the arm and drag her away.  Outside I demand an explanation.  So this drunk girl is explaining to me that "He's going to beat her, he's going to beat her, that's what those guys do."  I'm like, "WHAT?  What the hell are you talking about.". 

So I ask her where her car is and she says she walked there, that her house is just down the street.  Well, it's 2:30a so I walk her home.  She invites me in and gives me a glass of red wine.  She's going on and on about how I need to be careful with those wine glasses because they're from some special thing from Sweden or whatever.

Now she drags out the photo albums, and 1 hour later I'm so sick of looking at photo albums and she is really tipsy.  So she literally pounces on me, tearing at my clothes, saying please oh please fuck me I swear I won't be any trouble.  So I proceed to give her a mercy fuck, I mean, I'm not that shallow, just cause she's fat, so why not.  But nooooo.  This girl is an ape.  She pushes me back, climbs on top and proceeds to bang the shit out of me.  I was liking it too.  But she starts getting a bit rough and she's heavy. 

She's knocking me all over the place and before you know it, both wine glasses are broken, red wine everywhere, she almost put me through her glass coffee table and she's riding me like I'm some kind of mechanical bull, yelling, and I mean SCREAMING at the top of her lungs "I CANT GO TO WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE I'M BEING FUCKED"!  over and over.  I'm freaking out by, like what's wrong with this one.  Suddenly she's up and dragging me upstairs.  The downstairs looks like a tornado hit it.  Major destruction.  Wild.

Upstairs, she's got like this DRUM of lube that she proceeds to anoint me with and she starts up with the mechanical bull ride and the screaming chant again.  It was like I wasn't even there, like I was a prop, and she had done this very thing many nights before, it was all too smooth of a motion on that bed, and I'm getting freaky visions of her toy setup on any given night. 

I break free, stumble downstairs, gather my clothes and put them on as fast as possible, say "So long!"  While she's yakking on about a date with me on Friday I slip out the sliding glass door because I couldn't get her locks on the front door open (hmmm).  I make a light jog back to the bar parking lot where mine is the only car and make my getaway.  So was it a good date?  Bad date?  Well, I don't want a repeat but I was kind of smiling a bit as I drove home because it was really a "strong experience".

So that's why I require any date to send me a photo of themselves with one finger pointing up and one finger pointing down, so I know it is them in the photo and that it is current.